Some Hilarious Dirty Jokes and Limericks

Some Hilarious Dirty Jokes and LimericksAn elephant and a mouse, lifelong best friends, are walking along a dirt path in Africa. Suddenly, the elephant falls into a big hole and screams for his friend to get him out. The mouse runs home as fast as he can, gets his Mercedes, drives back to the hole, ties a rope to the car and pulls the elephant out of the hole.The next day, the 2 friends are walking along a dirt path, and this time, the mouse falls into a giant hole. The elephant, not panicking, quickly tosses his dick into the hole, and the mouse climbs out.Do you know what the moral of the story is?If you have a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes.A man is out fly fishing. When he begins to lower his line a couple of inches toward the water, a giant fish jumps out of the water to get the fly. A that very moment, a cat happens along and jumps in after the fish but misses and lands in the water, getting soaked and nearly drowning.Do you know what the moral of the story is?Every time a fly gets lowered 2 inches, a pussy gets wet.A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."A guy walks into a bar, and behind the bar is a sign that says, "Hand Job - $10 Cheese Sandwich - $2."The guy says to the bartender, "Excuse me, Miss, but are you the lady that gives the handjobs?"She says, "Yes, I am."The guy then says, "Well then, wash your hands and fix me a cheese sandwich."As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".84. A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane, and the woman constantly sneezes, evoking the man's curiosity. He asks if she's alright, to which she replies that she has a rare medical condition that makes her have an orgasm every time she sneezes.The man asks her, "What do you take for that?""Pepper."85. The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!""And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."86. A couple is on their honeymoon, and the man warns his new wife that he has a baby penis.The wife consoles her husband and tells him that she loves him and that the size of his penis doesn't matter.After they get to their honeymoon suite, the man takes off his clothes and displays the biggest penis the woman has ever imagined, so big that it terrifies her.She says, "I thought you said you had a baby penis.""Yes," replies her husband. "8 pounds, 14 ounces."87. There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.88. A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the bank vault. She says "But Sir, it's just a sperm bank!""I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - it's not that hard."89. There are four kinds of sex :HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.90. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs."Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"91. This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"92. A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do pushups until you throw up!"93. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"94. A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"95. On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"96. Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"97. One day, a wife tells her husband that their mailman is retiring after many years of service and that all of the neighbors have been giving him gifts - cash, checks, gift cards, etc. and that they should do something nice for him, too. The husband says, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar."When the mailman comes to the door, hoping to get some sort of parting gift, the wife answers the door wearing absolutely nothing, takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the blowjob of his life and then fucks his brains out. Afterward, she takes him to the kitchen, fixes him a large breakfast and after refilling his coffee, slips a $1 bill under his cup.The mailman says that it's the best gift he could've gotten but that he's quite curious why the sex, the breakfast, and a $1 bill.The wife tells the mailman, "Well, when I told my husband about your retiring, he said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."98. One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three k**s. I don't know whom to fire."The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."99. A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"100. A housewife, all alone, hears the doorbell and opens it to find a man standing there who asks, "Hi, is Tony home?"The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."The woman thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."The woman, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"101. A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."102. Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"Wife : "Those they gave away."Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"Husband : "That's where they held the auction."103. The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.""Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job."Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."104. A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."105. A little boy is passing by an old man's house carrying some duct tape.The old man, curious, asks, "Little boy, where you goin with that duct tape?""I got me some duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks.""Boy, you can't catch ducks with duct tape," the old man says."Watch me," replies the little boy, and an hour later, he passes by carrying a bunch of ducks wrapped in the tape.The next day, the little boy passes by the house with chicken wire.The old man asks the boy where he's going with the chicken wire."I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens.""Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire," comes the response from the old man."Watch me," says the little boy, and an hour later, he passes by the house with a bunch of chickens caught in the chicken wire.The next day, the little boy passes by the house again, but the old man can't see what the boy is carrying."What ya got there, boy," asks the old man."I got me some pussywillows," says the little boy."Hold on. Let me get my hat," says the old man.106. A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this...'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"107. Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them get married on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream.""That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.""That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."108. A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'109. A boy is at school and he hears the older k**s talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"110. One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?""Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"111. A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"112. This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"113. Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"."I've been circumcised.", the other replied."What's that mean?""It means they cut the skin off the end.""How old were you when it was cut off?""My mom said I was two days old.""Did it hurt?", the k** asked inquiringly."You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"114. A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."115. A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"116. Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. CinnamonThings That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk1. Specificity2. Anti-constitutionalistically3. Passive-aggressive disorder4. TransubstantiateThings That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more booze for me!3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.7. I'm not interested in fighting you.8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.117. On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"118. A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of a****ls. So he went to every house in his town.To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked."I am." said the man."I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one.""No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said."Here's your chicken." said the farmer.119. My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?""Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"120. Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.5. My ears are NOT handles.6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.9. Play with the balls.10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old